- Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable
Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material,
radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more - in an easy
to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding duct tape in professional
competitions, but in the real world, everything from LeMans-winning
Porsches to Atlas rockets and attack-helicopters use it by the yard.
- Vice Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer,
pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-til-it-falls-off
tool. The heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips are the only
tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
- Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper
alternative to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Repeated
soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed
by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous
Little Red Tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross
eyed (one of the 10 worst tools of all time).
- Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids: If you spend
all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed
off the pertal valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's
because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable
oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers
afterward.
- Big Rock at the Side of the Road: Block
up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy
know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer
that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone.
- Plastic Zip Ties: After 20 years of lashing
down stray hose and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought
a slightly slicked-up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip
ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality wiring from a working
model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling
a wiring harness. Of course it works both ways. When buying a used car,
subtract $100 for each zip tie you find under the hood.
- Ridiculously Large Craftsman Screwdriver:
Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting,
breaking, splitting or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver,
particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also
the tool of choice for all oil filters so insanely located that they
can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other.
If you break the screwdriver -- and you will just like Dad and your
shop teacher said -- who cares, it has a lifetime guarantee.
- Baling Wire: Commonly known as muffler
brackets, baling wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties.
Like duct tape, it's not recommended for NASCAR contenders, since it
works so well you'll never need to replace it with the right thing again.
Baling wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly
with the Pinto, Gremlin, and Rambler set.
- Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork
with devilish pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod separator,
but how often do you separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're
lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all-purpose application
of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver.
Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that
can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be use to separate tie-rod
ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy jobof it).
- A Cell Phone: to call your mechanic in case
all of the above fail. Before calling him, however, keep in mind: If
it won't go - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway....
